Ten years ago Dave Furman developed a nerve disorder resulting in chronic pain and a disability that prevents him from using both his arms. Working through depression as he came to terms with needing care on a daily basis, Furman now writes of the journey (shared with his wife and four children) offering highly practical encouragement for how to love those who are walking through pain and suffering. The first two chapters address the suffering of those who daily care for the needs of another. In a very personal way, Furman recognises that oftentimes the friends and family of the sufferer don’t have their experiences addressed or needs validated, and so he begins with two chapters called Grieving Your Loss in Another’s Pain and Walking with God. He writes
If you’re going to help the hurting, your heart needs to be healthy,
Your efforts in your own strength can only go on for so long.
Furman’s desire is to see those who care for the hurting remember that Jesus Christ should remain our greatest affection and our constant source of hope. To love and continue loving requires the help of our loving Heavenly Father, and we should tend to our own hearts through regular communion with God in prayer, immersion in scripture, and being part of a loving community of saints. I found such a strong resonance with these thoughts from chapter two; I know both as one who has experienced suffering and as one who cares for those who suffer that my walk with God has enormous impact on my capability to care for others in their pain. I would hand out copies of this book en mass even if it was only composed of these two chapters.
From chapter three onward, Furman offers practical strategy for helping those who are hurting. He begins by taking the example of the three friends in the book of Job – mainly as an example of what not to do – in order to discuss some ways in which we can minister to the hurting as faithful friends. Job’s friends question, accuse, explain, and condemn him during their time of ‘support’ but there is something they do well at the beginning. They sit on the floor with Job in silence… for seven days. There is a kind of ministry that is without words; and often just being there can be the timely balm for someone’s soul. Perhaps we have answers. Perhaps we know that God is sovereign and he has a plan. Perhaps they know it too. But – Furman writes – rather than slapping our favourite Bible verse as a Band-Aid on suffering people’s wounds, offering loyalty, longevity, and unwavering love through the darkest times can actually meet the deepest need.
Later in the book, there are four heart questions. Jesus was the suffering servant who not only condescended from the glory of heaven to become like one of us, but actually stripped off his outer garments and washed his disciples feet, wiping them with the towel he was wearing. Thinking about our own service in light of this humility, Furman asks
- Do I get upset if no one recognises me for my service?
- Am I ever inconvenienced in my service?
- Do I feel too embarrassed to be treated like a servant?
- Do I complain about the ministry of serving others that God has given me?
In this revealing self-diagnosis, I found I have a long way to go, but Furman also reveals that to be selfless and humble like Jesus is a sweet thing, and that God is most glorified in our service when people see the Saviour through the servant.
Still firing on all cylinders, the second-to-last chapter provides an insightful, helpful discussion entitled Whatever you Do, Don’t Do These Things. This chapter is brilliant, and because I’m constantly messing up how to care the way I should, it’s worth regularly re-visiting. The list of ten things in this chapter (which could have also been called “please don’t do these for your hurting friend”) includes: 1. Don’t Be The Fix-It Person, 3. Don’t Make It Their Identity, 5. Don’t Encourage Them to Just “Move On”, and 10. Don’t Condemn Them.
Being There is a powerful, insightful, and gospel-saturated resource for everyone who is called to care for those who are hurting. But to limit this book to the readership of carers would do it a grave disservice; Furman points out that to be a follower of Jesus Christ means to continually consider others as more important than ourselves. In order for the love of the suffering servant and sovereign king to be displayed in the people (not simply delivered from the pulpit), books like Being There can help every one of us in the local church to pursue the broken with the healing, restoring news of the gospel.