Having recently reviewed Dave Furman’s excellent book about the most important things to do (and not do) when it comes to showing true love for someone who is hurting, and how to ensure you take care of yourself in the process, Francis and Lisa Chan’s book on marriage in light of eternity overlaps in many wonderful places. Their first chapter Marriage isn’t that Great is Francis’ usual provocative style in which he reminds us that while we should be invested in nurturing, growing, and protecting our marriages we must always remember that our worship is to be directed only to God. In firmly fixing our gaze first and foremost on the all-satisfying God, we plant ourselves by the stream of living water from which we draw all the nutrients necessary to take care of ourselves and out of which we can truly love and care for our spouse. He writes
We need to prioritize our eternal relationship with our Creator above all things.
When two people are right with Him, they will be right with each other.
Francis affirms that while we are called to love and care for our spouse as we love ourselves, we should always keep God in the front of our minds in order that the love we have for our family doesn’t eclipse all others. God is far beyond us, and so our love for him should be far beyond our love for all others. Here’s our normal way of prioritising our affections (left) contrasted with the biblical mandate (right).
Lisa Chan supplements this by reminding us (in the same vein as Dave Furman) that it is when we find our identity and fulfillment in Christ that we have all the love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness to pour into our spouses. He fills us up so much that we don’t need anyone else to meet our needs; rather we spend our lives blessing our spouse and investing this limitless grace into their life for their good, and God gets the glory.
In the middle of You and Me Forever the Chans work through their take on the famous marriage pericope found in Ephesians 5. Francis begins by addressing the husbands on what the aggressive, sacrificial pursuit of loving your wife “as Christ loved the church” looks like. Lisa then follows with a word to women on the importance of shifting the focus more towards wives who strive to possess the humility of Christ rather than over-thinking how our culture bristles against the biblical command of “submit to your own husband, as to the Lord”. In both instances there is no better way to model to the world the mutual love between Christ and church than through our sacrifice and submission, which is ultimately loving obedience to God.
The thread that runs through each paragraph and page of You and Me Forever begins in the book’s subtitle. God’s mission is bigger than your marriage; and once cast in the light of eternity, you and your spouse will come to see that – paradoxically – it is in pursuit of God’s Kingdom above all else that your marriage will flourish like never before.
The way to have a great marriage is by not focusing on marriage.
You and Me Forever is as good a book as I have ever read on marriage. It is sensitive and insightful, but also gospel-soaked and Christ-exalting. Francis and Lisa Chan write to exhort couples everywhere from their experience of life and marriage that seeks to love God and love each other while walking together in the obedience of faith. I commend it to everyone.